The Grief No One Talks About: Losing a Brother
There are a lot of conversations around grief.
But not many about what it feels like to lose a sibling.
In a lot of ways, sibling grief feels invisible.
When someone dies, people naturally focus on the parents, the spouse, or the children left behind. And they should. But somewhere in that, siblings often fall into the background expected to be strong, to support everyone else, to keep going.
But the truth is, losing a sibling is losing a piece of your past, your present, and your future all at once.
Jesse wasn’t just my brother.
He was part of my everyday life. My memories. My sense of normal. One of my best-friends.
And now, everything is different.
The Misconceptions
One of the hardest parts of sibling grief is how misunderstood it can be.
People assume:
- That time makes it easier
- That you “adjust” to the loss
- That life eventually feels normal again
But it doesn’t work like that.
Time doesn’t heal this kind of loss. It just teaches you how to carry it.
And carrying it can be exhausting.
There’s also this quiet expectation that you should be okay that you’ve somehow found your footing again. But the reality is, you’re learning how to live in a life that no longer includes someone who was always supposed to be there.
Going Through the Motions
As time passes, the world keeps moving.
You go back to work.
You show up for your family.
You celebrate milestones.
From the outside, it can look like you’re okay.
But inside, there’s a constant awareness that something is missing.
There are moments where it hits all over again:
- A memory
- A song
- A random thought
- A moment you wish you could share with him
And you realize, again, that he’s not here.
Not for the big moments.
Not for the small ones.
Not for anything.
And you still have to keep going.
The Things I Miss
I miss his laugh.
It was infectious. I can still hear it.
But I don’t just miss the sound of it I miss hearing it in real life. Not through a video. Not through a memory.
I ache to hear it again.
A Family Forever Changed
Since Jesse’s death, our family is forever altered.
There is no version of our lives where things go back to the way they were.
There’s a before.
And there’s an after.
We still show up for each other. We still try to find moments of joy. But there is always an undercurrent of loss that doesn’t go away.
An empty space that will always be his.
What I Wish People Understood
I wish people understood that sibling grief doesn’t have a timeline.
I wish people understood that just because we’re functioning doesn’t mean we’re okay.
And I wish people understood how important it is to check in to remember to say his name.
Because he mattered. He still matters.
For Jesse
As we approach three years without Jesse, I find myself thinking about everything he’s missed. Everything we’ve had to experience without him.
And at the same time, I think about how much he gave us in the time we did have.
Jesse loved life. He lived fully, loudly, and with his whole heart.
And now, we carry that with us.
Every day.
If You’re Grieving a Sibling
If you’re reading this and you’ve lost a sibling too, I want you to know:
You’re not alone in this.
Even if it feels like your grief is quieter.
Even if it feels overlooked.
Even if it feels like no one quite understands.
It’s real. It’s valid. And it matters.
In memory of Jesse Johansmeyer
March 25, 2023