Grieving While Still Showing Up for Life
My newborn is almost one month old.
And somehow, life feels both incredibly full… and incredibly heavy at the same time.
There are moments where I’m soaking in the newborn snuggles, the quiet, the love, the chaos of bringing a new baby home.
And then there are moments where I feel it just as deeply
Jesse isn’t here.
Holding Two Opposite Things at Once
No one really prepares you for this part of grief.
The part where life keeps giving you moments that are good, beautiful even and you don’t know how to fully sit in them because part of you is still aching for someone who should be there too.
I look at my baby and feel so much love.
And at the same time, I feel the weight of Jesse missing all of this.
Who he would be right now.
What he would say.
How he would show up.
It’s this constant pull between joy and grief.
And neither one cancels the other out.
The Moments No One Sees
It’s not always the big moments that hurt the most.
Sometimes it’s the quiet ones.
The in-between moments that no one else sees.
Rocking my baby in the middle of the night, when everything is still and quiet, and my mind has space to wander.
And in those moments, I find myself wishing Jesse could meet him.
Not through pictures.
Not through stories.
But in real life.
I think about what that moment would have been like his reaction, his energy, the way he would have shown up.
And it hits all over again that it will never happen.
The Guilt That Comes With Living
There’s a quiet guilt that comes with continuing to live your life after loss.
Like you’re not supposed to feel okay.
Like you’re not supposed to laugh too hard.
Like you’re not supposed to have moments where things feel normal again.
But life doesn’t stop asking things of you.
You still have to show up.
For your family.
For your responsibilities.
For your children.
And now, for this new little life who needs everything from you.
Going Through the Motions And Meaning It
Some days, showing up feels natural.
Other days, it feels like you’re just going through the motions.
Smiling when you don’t feel like smiling.
Holding it together because you have to.
But even in those moments, there’s something deeper happening.
You’re still here.
Still loving.
Still trying.
Still moving forward even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Living Life Like Jesse
Jesse loved life.
He was the kind of person who brought energy into every room. Who made things feel lighter. Who lived fully and without hesitation.
And I think about that a lot now.
Because as hard as this is this mix of grief and joy I know I don’t want to miss the moments in front of me.
Even when they’re complicated.
Even when they hurt a little.
So I try, in the best way I can, to keep living life like Jesse.
To be present.
To love hard.
To show up fully.
Even when part of my heart is missing.
Both Things Can Be True
I can love my baby deeply.
And still ache for my brother.
I can have moments of happiness.
And still carry grief with me every single day.
Both things can exist at the same time.
And learning to live in that space that’s what this part of grief really is.
For Anyone Living in This Space
If you’re navigating grief while still showing up for your life, I want you to know:
You’re not doing it wrong.
If it feels messy, complicated, or heavy at times that’s because it is.
But continuing to show up, continuing to love, continuing to live…
That matters.
More than you probably realize.
For Jesse
I wish you were here for all of this.
More than anything, I wish you could have met him.
But I carry you with me in the way I choose to keep going.
From Jesse’s Justice
No one should have to walk through grief alone.
Through free grief resources, advocacy, education, and community support, we strive to honor Jesse’s life by helping others navigate theirs.
If this article resonated with you, please consider sharing it. You never know who may need these words today.
🖤♥️ For Jesse. For Justice.